Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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