i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
