Your mouth is God's brothel.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
