I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
