I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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