Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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