So drunk its hurt
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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