Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I know her cup size but not her name....
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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