Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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