I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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