if you like me you must not know who I am
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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