Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
