Pants 0. Shit 1.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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