I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
