I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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