Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I didn't notice because vodka
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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