definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm gonna fight the coyote
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
