i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
