whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
