Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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