I can tuck mytits in my pants
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
