I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
