Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
