I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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