Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I AM VODKA MAN
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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