That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
