She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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