I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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