he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
time to smoke my breakfast
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I party with great urgency now.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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