imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
