then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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