she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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