got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
