so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
