she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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