Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
