I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
