i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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