i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
