My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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