You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
