i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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