Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
