Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
