the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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