matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
