Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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