I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
