I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
