i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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