omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
