she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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