I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
