I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
